Change is in the Air

You cannot have a positive life and a negative mind – Joyce Meyer

After a hectic and less than Merry (for me anyway) Christmas, we were able to get away to Mansfield to visit my mother-in-law and celebrate the New Year with her (thanks Omi!). I managed to talk my partner in life to visit my hands down favorite restaurant ever – the Malabar Farm Restaurant. If you are ever in Perrysville or are able to visit Malabar Farm or Mohican State Park, make a reservation. It’s a localvore’s paradise. But I digress. We were able to have a New Year’s Eve lunch that allowed me to relax enough to finally unclench my teeth which have been perpetually clenched since September 5th.

I’m not sure what caused it, but I think it was the 2×4 along side the head from God that He frequently needs to administer to get my attention. I have been struggling with this new normal that cancer handed me. Everyone has their own mental image of struggle, so let me paint you a picture of my struggle. I am firmly bound in a straight jacket being carried by the men in white coats with my legs flailing in front of me. My hair resembles the bird’s nest that my mother called it when I failed to comb it as a child, my face is red and my eyes are practically popping out of their sockets. I am screaming at the top of my lungs “I AM NOT GOING THERE. PUT ME DOWN!!!!!” Yes, this me – on the inside. On the outside, I try desperately to prove to the world that cancer hasn’t changed me. Obviously, I have been in denial about this new normal.

However, at lunch I found myself somehow at peace. Three words slowly coalesced in my mind – simplify, de-clutter, joy. Those three words were like the lightening bolt I talk to the Ultimate Bengal Fan about (that would be the one that God sends down that says I’m supposed to let him play tackle football). While this one was more figurative than literal (in order to play tackle ball, it will need to be a literal one), it carried the same impact.

My new normal requires that I simplify my life – period. I will never be able to juggle multiple agendas in my mind. Chemo stole most of that ability and menopause took what little was left. I need to make lists – realistic lists – and follow them. I am my own worst enemy when it comes to getting anything done. I create these unrealistic expectations that I know I can’t fulfill on my best day, let alone the days I tend to have. Projects need to be broken down into manageable steps. This is why God gave me an engineer for a husband. He is great about helping me break things down and reining me in when needed.

It occurs to me that the best way to simplify is to get rid of stuff, thus my de-cluttering. Get rid of the clutter (and NOT replacing it), gives me simplicity. Less to clean, take care of, move around, decide who will get it 30 years from now (God willing) in my will, etc. It will make my life so much easier to not have so much stuff. Teaching the Ultimate Bengal Fan and the B-Man is another story, but let’s just tackle one mountain at a time.

I have also added what I call the “joy factor” to my life. The joy factor is basically asking myself a simple question, “Will this add joy to my life?” If the answer’s yes, it stays. If not, it goes. Whether this is actually feasible for the long run is debatable, but for now it’s okay. I realize there are some non-negotiable items that I will answer, “No,” to (like oncology follow-ups, mammograms, editing work for picky clients), but ultimately those things will bring joy. Nothing is more joyful that getting another gold star on your remission chart, a letter stating that your mammogram is unremarkable and getting a paycheck.

I know I’ve written before that ovarian cancer was a game changer for me. It still is. Life as a cancer survivor is one that evolves. The old saying that “Nothing in life is guaranteed,” carries even more truth for a cancer survivor. With few exceptions, no survivor is ever cured. The best we can hope for is a “lifetime remission.”

While I love dancing with NED (No Evidence of Disease), I realize there may be times when his name isn’t on my dance card. So be it. God also added this with the 2×4, you aren’t doing this alone. I have been blessed by an incredible family, an amazing group of friends, and the best medical care team around. Through it all, God is constant. So through the ups and downs of this “new normal,” life is incredible. It’s all in the attitude.

De-clutter. Simplify. Joy.

May 2015 be full of simple joys for you.

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