I had thought about writing some profound Christmas blog, but I’m not feeling profound. I’m feeling nauseated. Nausea and deep thought don’t play well together. It’s a lot like a couple of two year olds in a sand box. Everything’s good until someone throws sand, then watch out.
I had a good day today. I watched the B-Man play basketball (and his team won), then went to breakfast to celebrate the Ultimate Bengal Fan’s Forever Family Day. Then I was able to head out with the Best Husband Ever to do some Christmas shopping. I was out for over 6 hours and I don’t need a nap. Tums, yes, but not a nap.
Christmas is tough when you have cancer, especially when it’s a recurrence. I spend a lot of time trying to figure out how to make it awesome for the boys without going overboard. It’s a balancing act and I’ll be honest, I’m not very good at it. I want to get them everything, take them everywhere and watch every Christmas special. I’ve bought more Christmas movies this year than any previous year (stupid Netflix), just so we can spend time together. I want to keep them home from basketball and youth group so I can be with them. I’m gone four days out of the first seven of each chemo infusion so I feel like I’m always gone. When I am home, I feel like I live on the couch, napping.
The worst part of it is that I feel guilty. Mom guilt is the worst. I should do more and be more. But I can’t, because the stupid chemo has to be extra toxic to kill the stupid cancer. And at this point, the stupid chemo isn’t doing a very good job of killing the stupid cancer. I guess the chemo is too stupid to know which cells to kill. Perhaps I should draw it a picture or let it use the GPS on my phone. Maybe it needs its very own “tour guide” to show it the way. As I said, it’s stupid. And despite its being stupid, I still feel guilty.
People ask me what I want for Christmas. My first response is “A cure for cancer,” as if anyone could actually give me that. I feel a bit like Ralphie in A Christmas Story. Remember the scene when his mom asks him what he wants for Christmas and he tells her he wants to Red Rider BB gun with real carbine action and a compass in the stock and she tells him he’ll shoot his eye out? Then Ralphie says he was kidding and would be happy with some Tinker Toys. I’m Ralphie. I really want a cure for cancer, but I’d be happy with some new stainless steel cookware or a gift card to Kohl’s.
What I realize is that I need to let go of my expectations. If I’m going to trust God on this journey, then I need to TRUST Him. That means that my expectations probably aren’t the same as God’s plan. It means letting go of what’s happened before, accepting what’s happening and knowing that God knows what will happen and has it under control.
If I let go, my expectations won’t disappoint me. That’s not to say there won’t be some disappointments along this road. There will. Even when I finally reach remission (because failure is not an option here people), there will still be disappointments. Life is full of them. The trick is to not let the disappointments become the focal point of your life. They’re just part of the ups and downs.
So while I’d really like a cure for cancer, which would just exceed my expectations on so many levels, I’d also like a digital camera, some snowmen to add to my collection, a Life is Good shirt and some jewelry to give me some bling. Any of those would make me happy and actually exceed my expectations (because that means that my family actually listened to me when I told them what I wanted).
While my life is not where I expected, it’s not disappointing. I have a wonderful husband, two beautiful sons and am still blessed to have my mom. I am surrounded by an incredible network of friends to are willing to step up and help out. Combine that with the gift of Christ in the manger and I am bound to have the best Christmas ever.
May you find love, peace, health and happiness in the miracle of Christmas.